I (23M) am a broke online college student living with my parents. I have an abusive brother (25M) who also lives under the same roof.
My brother is a narcissist. He believes that he is the most important person in the universe. Boundaries and respect do not matter to him. He will hijack every conversation into being either constant self-aggrandizing or personal attacks and force me to repeat it back to him. He is physically violent when provoked and he has killed multiple animals by beating them to death with his bare hands. Unfortunately, he seems to consider “no” to be a provocation. He searches through all my stuff without permission and I’ve had to start being careful about what things I leave lying around.
My parents do not care about this. My father doesn’t because he’s the OG narcissist who passed it down to my brother and actively cheers for my suffering, and my mother doesn’t because she is the enabler who chose to stay married to my father and told me I had to suffer the abuse endlessly like she does.
I don’t have any irl friends because I have medical conditions that make it difficult for me to be outside on my own for extended periods of time. I also can’t drive because of that. It sucks. This isn’t to say it’s impossible for me to go out, but it’s hard and kind of risky (my condition can cause me to faint).
I have constantly been told to give up on being treated like a human being, but I have begun to recognize that my family is feeding me false narratives of hopelessness to keep me complacent and submissive. I surely have power, but my internalization of their narratives is obscuring the ways to exercise it.
What would you do in such a situation, or if you have been in a similar situation, what did you do?
EDIT: I live in the U.S.
this is a story that is common in many subs on. does your parent see him as a golden child. they often neglect the other child, and when things get bad, usually financially for the parents because they gave all thier money to said golden child and he mismanages the funds.
him killing animals is a sure sign of sociapathic/psychopathic tendacies, its only matter of time before you or your parents will be the next target(s).
it seems like the parents want to keep you in the house to truncate some of the brothers anger and violence towards you instead of them.
are you going to college? if so there are scholarships that can assist with living in dorm, or a off campus apartment. at least my state school has an offcampus apartments that they own, usually only for universities/state uni.
eventually the parents are going to rely on yuo financially or otherwise to offset thier retirement, if your bro doesnt harm them first. this only ends poorly.
He’s definitely the golden child. There’s an illusion of fairness, but I am viewed far less favorably than he is despite his numerous crimes and transgressions. They are usually spread far enough apart that things “reset” and I seem to be the only one who understands how messed up he is. Nothing sticks to him. He his held in positive regard no matter what he does, and I am held in negative regard no matter what I do.
I am doing online college because it’s cheaper than in-person. I am worried about accruing too much debt because I am anxious about my ability to pay it off in the future.
I have begun to recognize that my family is feeding me false narratives of hopelessness to keep me complacent and submissive. I surely have power, but my internalization of their narratives is obscuring the ways to exercise it.
I commend you on this level of self-awareness: getting to this point as someone who has never yet lived as an adult outside the gated community of crazy that is a family filled with Cluster B behaviors, this is a huge deal. You’ve been trained your entire life to be afraid of anything that does not come from their beneficent hands, trained to dread existing outside their own shelter, but you’re beginning to see the huge existential lie they’ve been laying on you all along, and it is a massive accomplishment. You should be proud.
Fifty years ago I was in your exact shoes, and possibly my sole regret is that I did not call the cops when I was still underage and my own satanic sibling beat the shit out of me and capped it by setting fire to my hair. I had a visible and profound case. It would have been jail for the doer. But the lengths that these self-indulgent fuckers and their enablers will go to in order to keep the status quo unchanged, with the designated scapegoat in place, is unbelievable to anyone who hasn’t lived it, and I was too young and too fucked in the head, and it worked. I didn’t make the call.
Today, I would. Even if it meant nothing would ever be the same again. And not only would I make the call, I would be as belligerent and unrepentant as possible after making it, saying whatever insane shit needed to be said to make it All Their Fault, which it of course is. And if that sounds a lot like what they do anyway on a daily basis, you’re right: I would turn their own mental tricks on them, because when you, the Assigned Scapegoat, first do it back they have no idea how to handle it. Rage, and confusion, will ensue.
Make no mistake. Shit will explode.
But not all explosions are bad, and this is the kind of explosion that will teach all of you that you, the scapegoat, also have a life of your own, free will, and power to act outside your assigned scapegoat role.
You only get that first shot at turning the tables one time, though, so do it fast, do it hard, and do it from an angle or direction they do not see coming. Making a call to the police when you are assaulted within the home is a great place to start, not least because it documents what is happening, creates a line across which the perp cannot step without external consequences, and cops have victim services people who can tell you about options you may have that you do not even know about right now.
This is NOT the safest route for you in any number of ways, and you are already aware of this, but if you think you can hold your emotional and mental ground while the post-violence police call bullshit flies, then you’d be amazed at what changes can be made.
Lots of others have spoken about how getting out is the primary goal, and it absolutely, truly is. But in the meantime, now that it’s come to expecting your brother’s violence acted out toward you directly, it’s not something you can handle on your own: once he starts, once he lays that finger on you, once he breaks that wall, it will only escalate. And if I were being honest, I’d tell you that my gut call on reading your post is that he’s already testing the water, already mentally moving in that direction, or you would not now be more concerned than you were before.
If you think that this bears a lot of similarity to what battered wives go through, you’re quite right, it’s just that the same dynamics happening to others in that family at the same time are often left out of the narrative, and a wife is not that much different than a weaker sibling: it’s the exact same thing, but without you having any experience of being outside and away from it.
So it’s probably also time to start looking quietly into how police in your area respond to domestic violence, and what actions rise to the level of incarceration, and what to expect when you call. Start also to document everything violent he does, with dates, times, places, and witnesses, no matter how informally, and to keep that documentation in the cloud somewhere beyond their reach, or on school servers. (This post is a great start.) You also need to have the courage and strength to make the same 911 call every and any time someone in your house acts in physical violence toward you, and to mentally be able to withstand the aftermath, because at some point someone’s going to get arrested and you will be blamed for “ruining the family” and “destroying the peace” and all the other deflected and retargeted shit they will want to throw your way for bringing outsiders in. That’s THEIR shit, not yours: they will dish it out, but bottom line the guilt and shame of violence and incarceration for it belongs to the perpetrators and enablers of it, not you.
You also mentioned being confined to a body that is keeping you almost as trapped as your family, but your mind is free. Use it. Reinforce whatever healthy mental behaviors and practices got you to this level of insight to begin with. Start realizing that their shame is their own, and shifting it onto you is why they do this shit to begin with, but that does NOT make their shame and guilt yours no matter what they say. Find something all your own that cannot be taken from you, like meditation or faith, that is available to you anywhere and at all times. Behaviorally, keep your own hands clean as much as possible, of course, and do not provoke without cause, or engage without good reason (which I’m certain you’re already doing.) Never threaten: it is a sure sign of weakness. Just do, if you can, or keep your mouth shut. Mentally, do whatever you have to do to stand within your own truth, including being aware of the possibility that there are good things that can happen that are unseen to you now, but possible.
You can’t do what you can’t do, but try very hard to do everything you possibly can and to challenge your own physical and mental limits outside their awareness, so that when opportunity comes you have them ready without fear.
Ultimately, you need to get out: there is no substitute. But you cannot handle a situation that has escalated to physical violence on your own, especially if you are already physically disabled to begin with.
I will not bear the high costs of your decisions; you will. It’s easy for me and others to talk and offer advice. That said, it is possible that the worst thing you can do is to continue doing what you have always done, and in that light, start planning now for involving third parties immediately when your brother turns his violence to you, and preparing for ANY opportunity that may come to you to be able to get away.
Your best bet might be to try and pivot to in-person college/university if possible. You didn’t say where you are in the world, but in the US, most schools will have on-campus housing you’d be able to stay in for most of the year. The financial part is always the limiting factor of course, but considering how violent your brother can get, it may be worth it. It’s a lot easier to recover from student loan debt than being dead.
Not OP.
Here’s the thing tho. Sometimes you just get so depressed you also can’t handle living separately and doing everything by yourself, and also have to deal with roommates.
I tried doing the living on campus thing and I couldn’t do it. I withdrew from college.
Idk if OP can either. Trauma messes with your brain a lot.
I have weird separation anxiety issues with my parents that I kinda love and hate simultaneously.
i wonder if some other state uni/Universities have some off campus aparments they rent out, which can be paid with the grants/loans scholarships. in the west coast i went to a state university that dint have a dorm in the traditional sense, but more or less a small apartments to be rented out to students(the school is basically a landlord of apartment buildings/houses that the school owns).
Look into family violence programs and resources. Do the intake and speak openly about the violence and constant psychological threats you face. You might be able to use this to get transitional housing, especially because you are in school and are moving forward in your life.
What is your plan for yourself? You’re taking online classes, what is your end goal? Can you get a job right now? The reality is that you cannot depend on these people. They may be supporting you now, but that could end at any moment on a whim.
Your plan should be to figure out what independence looks like for you and figure out the fastest way to get there
My original plan was a CS degree and try for a remote job, but with the direction the tech sector has been going, I’m not sure that I like my odds. I’m looking at possible majors I can pivot towards, but I haven’t decided yet. I’ve just started classes, so I don’t have that much of a sunk cost yet.
The big issue is that I have a condition called POTS that gives me brain fog and can cause fainting if I sit or stand up for more than a couple minutes. That makes it difficult to do most in-person jobs. So I have to find something that works with that and will still exist in the U.S. economy once I graduate.
Try looking for people trying to learn English as in English as a foreign Language. You could find people online on socials (obvs hard but more rewarding) or through some online teaching portals which may take a cut.
You might pull it through with enough students and it will help you get some money for better support yourself.
All the best!
I know more than I care to about POTS and what you’re describing is pretty severe. Have you pursued a formal diagnosis and/or treatment? Feel free to hit me up if you haven’t and want assistance there. It’ll likely require some self advocacy which can be difficult, especially at first.
You may know this already, but POTS is frequently comorbid with mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS). I have it, hence why I’m familiar with all this. If that is or may be your situation too, addressing the MCAS often helps with POTS problems.
My family dynamic was also similar to yours, so I know how awful it can be. The chronic stress is actually what got me sick. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it now. I have resources that have helped me deal with repairing all that trauma and I’d be happy to share.
Feel free to ask anything if you have any questions!
Agreed, @sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world. Get a job. Any job. Ideally one that could pay a bit more than minimum wage and/or one tangentially related to the field you want to go into. But you can’t afford to be too picky. That’s step one.
Step two, move out. I know you said you don’t have friends. You don’t need them. But you need to find a roommate because you’re unlikely to be able to afford to live on your own.
https://www.reddit.com/r/roommates/comments/1fipamp/best_roommate_finding_apps/
This reddit link has some ideas/websites to try for step two. It’s not an exhaustive list on how to find a roommate, but it’s a start.
I have been in similar situation but without the chronic illness. What has worked for me:
- Maximise time outside. Try group activities, where people can take care of you if something happens, and give your a rides to and from meeting spot. Check if library or other institution has some sort of help program.
- Get money. Find a job you can do. Any job wil do.
- Move out asap.
The first step to heal is to not be in danger.
I hope for your success. I have walked through hell, and somehow I survived. All this effort was worth it.
public library is a good start, so you can ask the staff for the computer usage, or some other help.
If a main barrier to distancing yourself from them is money, know you have a job teaching English online.
It’s an indoor, low-pressure job that lasts for 20 minutes to 1 hour a time, so you could take breaks in between sessions, considering your condition.
The only requirement is being a fluent English speaker, and if you get a tefl certification, a self-directed PDF course, your pay increases.
You can make enough to support yourself without much trouble teaching english, and there are two billion English language students online, so there’s plenty of work.
Save up for a couple months and go look for a place of your own.
If you’re interested, let me know and I can answer any questions and give you further details.
I had a narcissist in my life. I watched a ton of YouTube videos about how to deal with the situation. I went no contact with the person. I packed and move into my car for a few months. I found land and now live on bare land in an RV.
It’s kind of depressing that this narcissist is holding my other family members away from me as leverage against me, but they can no longer spread lies about me since they have no contact with me.
It’s still 1000x better life for me. Made tons of friends all around this new area in the past year here. Have work now, and things are just better.
I feel that living the way I do also is the opposite is what the narcissist would say about me. (They said I was free loading off them, I was lazy, didn’t want to work, etc). Now that I’m doing all those things I truly reflect back and see the narcissist is the one that is lazy, etc. feels good to finally be away from that abuse.
Going to have to tell people what country you live in so they can help you because one countries laws and services are not the same as another.
U.S. Sorry for the late reply.
There are scholarships for people with POTS and disautonomic disorders. Get your grades up and work towards going away to college.
Oh my god, this triggers me so much.
Brings me back to when I was… sometimes between 5 to 7 years old. My older brother was chasing me around the apartment unit in Guangzhou, China, and I, being a stupid kid, ran out the front door. I was alone in the city for a few hours… still have nighmares about it. Nightmares about getting kidnapped, which was a fear that my mother instilled in me.
On another incident, I think this is an earlier incident. I remember being tied up with zipties when there were no one home, I was just alone with my abusive brother and I think I cried until my parents came home.
I don’t remember what happened, I think a plausible explanation is I played with his toys and that “provoked” him. (He’s 5 years older than me for context)
Later on, when we came to America, I think my brain suppressed that memory, since I was no longer in Guangzhou and that probably made it easier to disassociate and forget about it, at least temporarily. I don’t remember ruminating on that memory like the next few years? So I kinda had a frienemy relationship with my brother for the next few years, sometimes I play with him, we’d talk as if we were friends, but sometimes he become the abuser… but remember, my brain likely didn’t want to recall that traumatic memory. It always was there, but it decided to not recall it.
But there would be random bursts of fighting. The only thing that calmed him down was the fact that we’re immigrants and mom told him that there would be trouble if the American authorities got involved.
When I didn’t have afterschool programs, my mom would make him pick me up from school, which we then sometimes talked a bit like how brotherhood is supposed to be like…
but that memory is just contrasted with him arguing with my mom about this “chore” of having to pick me up from school.
So anyways… flashforward. Philly… 2014-2019… forgot when… police got involved for an altercation, but there was no report since mom asked them to keep our names off of it and the officer kinda just didn’t wanna deal with it so it was wiped under the rug…
So he got Citizenship with a clean record…
I mean imagine how funny it’d be if dude got deported and then I, having derived citizenship from mom, is immune from it? Lmao (don’t feel bad for him, he’s a racist btw)
So anyways… I think its after that incident… things just completely fell apart. No longer just “frienemies” but now its completely hostile. Like Cold War… Cuban missile crisis type of shit… or I guess its more like Sino-Soviet Split (cuz they share the same continent like we share the same home, get it?)
So I think after each altercation, my brain started to think about those memories more and more. By now I’ve relived that memory I talked about in Guangzhou like 1000 times already… I fucking wake up in a panic…
…
I think the best option is ignore and not provoke.
Have pepper spray ready.
Or, if you have a safe, get guns and ammunition.
Move out if possible. (Not a possibility for me, sadly, too depressed)
If your parents have assets, make sure you live long enough to claim your share. Or maybe sue over the their abusive behavier during probate.
Meanwhile, listen to some music to calm your mood.
You are not alone, remember that.
I’m really sorry about your situation. That sounds awful. I know it sounds obvious, but you didn’t mention it, so I have to ask if you’ve tried calling the police or social services.
I haven’t. I’m worried that doing that would be taken as an act of aggression and would lead to retaliation.
Also, my brother hasn’t physically attacked me yet, not since we were teenagers. He’s just being threatening and intimidating right now. But I also know that he suffers from fits of uncontrollable rage and has the capacity to kill. In one episode where he killed his girlfriend’s cat, he said that he lost control of himself and started wailing on the poor animal. I haven’t heard of him doing any premeditated violence; it always seems to happen in the moment. But he doesn’t seem to feel remorse for his victims after the fact. There is also no criminal record of the things he has done.
There is something deeply wrong with him and I think that he is a ticking time bomb.
Maybe OP, you could call social services, not to do something against the brother, but to ask if there are any support programs you qualify for, that would get you out of the house? Given your health concerns maybe some form of assisted living? Or financial support so you are independent from your family, maybe move into a shared flat?
Another avenue may be the college’s counselor. Maybe they’ve got some more ideas on how to support you.
are there usually services for ADULTS that are not disabled(mentlaly or physically) that can otherwise be “independant”?
I’m not sure. That’s why I think talking to social services/ counselor could be beneficial. They know what programs are available where OP is living
What would you think the police or social services could do? They aren’t describing any criminal behavior, and they seem to be an adult with capacity, so I think both agencies would respond, take a look at the situation, then do nothing. Then they’d prob suffer retribution from their family
Beating animals to death is a crime most places, but calling the police about it would likely worsen OP’s situation.
Beating animals to death is a crime most places
LOL No, maybe in some few places on the surface of this planet…
Definitely depends on the animal. Most jurisdictions do have laws against abusing common domesticated animals
How do you prove it tho? Cops don’t care.
Removed by mod
I would never allow myself to be someone’s eternal victim.
Kinda lame to imply op is just simply allowing this to happen.
“If ever I were homeless, I’d get a house and stop being that, not gonna allow that to happen.”
I get what you’re saying but for someone already in the bad spot trying to get out it’s pretty patronizing.
How do you feel about the doctrine, “I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here with me”?
This won’t work, a narcissist will burn the house down with everyone in it keep someone else from winning.
You might have to kill the fucker. It doesn’t sound like he’s fixable.
Always remember when someone tells you to commit violence on the internet, they are likely sitting on the shitter or doing some other mundane activity and are just looking for entertainment in their lives. Or they’re feds. In no way should you take people like this seriously.
