For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
Some families teach their kids that your ability to pick a gift directly equates to your value as a person.
Clearly her failure in this instance is more important to her than to you.
Whatever you do, try to help her feel valued.
Honestly, most people suck at giving gifts. Most people struggle to put themselves in someone else’s shoes
Your SO probably put real thought into the gift, and paid attention to you to come up with a good idea. And most people think new is better (although I’m with you). They think it’s sour grapes or something when you tell them how you enjoy the fact something has been with you for all this time, and how you’ve carefully repaired it over the years
So all in all, that’s a halfway well thought out gift. More effort than most people put into them, anyways. They were probably really excited and proud of themselves
I don’t know what to do with that information… Personally I’d probably accept the gift and leave it in the closet as a backup. I’m not sure if that’s better or not, but it would spread the experience out
It’s not about the item whatever it is, it’s about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn’t matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don’t want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don’t know how you said it to your spouse but the way you’ve described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you’re saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it’s not something you’d use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you’re difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you’re likely the bad guy for how you’ve gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you’re not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that’s fine but you may need to acknowledge that you’ve hurt their feelings even if you didn’t realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn’t want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it’s far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I’d like to zoom in on the spouse’s reaction. Yes, it’s an expression of their love. But also, if they’re the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that’s how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they’ve been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you’ll like! They’ll watch you open it, you’ll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn’t go down that way, but I think in addition to just “rejecting their love”, I imagine there’s also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don’t even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It’s just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you’ve told them you’re not interested. They’ll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don’t have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they’ll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the “outsized”-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
This item sounds like it might be for a hobby.
An inviolate rule for gifts is you NEVER give a gift for someone’s hobby, unless they have specifically mentioned it. Then you buy EXACTLY what they tell you.
Case in point… I’m a former skydiver. It’s a sport full of extremely counterintuitive aspects. One of my brothers was in the army and did airborne training under round parachutes. He gifted me a set of paratrooper boots to use while skydiving…
It was a nice thought, but most of the time I’m running out a landing, not doing a PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The boots were extremely tight around the ankles for support on landing under a round parachute. They were less than useless for jumping a ram air chute. They were in my closet for almost 20 years, before I decided it was time to make some space. Zero jumps and probably less than a few hours of wear, because they were just not comfortable, since they were designed to save your ankles landing under a T-10.
Yes, I informed my brother emphatically that I could not use that type of boot in sport skydiving, but typical of my family someone else knew better of what I was doing than I did.
You make it clear that you don’t like new things. You really need to recognize that this makes it difficult for your loved ones to buy you gifts. I’m old enough that I generally don’t want anything for Christmas or my birthday. I have enough stuff. What I want is time to spend with the people I love. That doesn’t mean I refuse gifts or complain about them, because a gift means that someone saw something that made them think of you; and they bought it for you to celebrate your relationship. So even if it’s a bad gift, it’s coming from a good place.
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
100%
OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
On the other hand, maybe it’s a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
I’m going to go a different route with advice.
Once this all gets worked out, it might be worth considering a new rule with gifts: don’t gift things, gift experiences. Or alternatively, don’t gift permanent things, gift consumables.
If you gift someone a tool, appliance, dress, etc. then they will need to find space to store it, even if they don’t like it. But if you get them a bottle of wine, or a dinner, or a trip to the Bahamas, then if they don’t like it it won’t be there forever and they’ll likely have a nice story.
But that might not work with your relationship and I have no way of knowing. Just pitching the idea in case it’s a good fit for you
Is the gift so expensive that you feel it necessary to reclaim the money? Would it feel as though something was missing if they hadn’t got you anything? It seems like the more appropriate choice in this situation might have been to accept the gift generously and simply not used it, or not used it often and continued to use the older item. Then, if asked about it, perhaps explained it at that point instead of making a point of explaining that you wanted to return the item and get the money for it.
Gonna leave this here, it’s worth a read:
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it’s not the only reasonable one
This guy knows.
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves…
I mean… yeah. I’m not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it’s good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn’t. This wasn’t.
Fair! Definitely wouldn’t have complained, but I’m a different person :)
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate.
You might’ve missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I’m not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)
There’s a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the “but you really should have checked in first for something like this” might be a good way to start.
A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.
B) Perhaps she should have held off.
Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.
We had a convo about what we want. It really helped.
We have an apartment in a nice island of walkability a ways out of town. It’s beautiful but pricy. We have very little extra space.
We dont give gifts; we give experiences. Here’s a spa day for the trip we’re saving up for next year. Can we take the gondola up to the top of the hill for that fancy-pants restaurant your mum wanted to try? Do you remember that spashy canal ride at the animal sanctuary we did the one time, and we almost lost our keys? The adorable kids “selling shells” at Yelapa? How about the whale watching where all we saw was COVID from the borrowed all-weather gear?? Ha ha ha, that sucked.
Memories store well. Pictures of chichen itza, the gondola at Benalmedana, the CN tower, the NYC WoW, they take up so little space - and the last one’s gone now - and they mean so much.
Give experiences, even if all they do is affirm the plan that you’re going to Disneyland next spring, hell or high water. I think they reinforce familial bonds and get people out of their living rooms and into climbing gear or even just a shared breakfast where they can laugh and tease and make new memories.
Now that make more sense.
unbearably twee, like an llm trained on live love laugh stickers
If this is your reaction to someone describing cute things they’ve done with their partner, I honestly feel kinda sorry for you.
I’m the same way with things, but I do think you handled this poorly. When people do things like this for me, also knowing I’d prefer to keep what I have or fix it if it’s malfunctioning/broken, my response is usually something along the lines of: “Thank you! This will come in handy when I can no longer use the one I have now. I’ll keep this safe until then!”
As someone else pointed out, they probably had a very good reason for getting that for you. When my lady bought me a new cell phone and I said basically what I wrote above, her response was that while she understands my current phone works, it doesn’t always work well, and she’d like to have longer, more meaningful conversations with me while I’m out of town. I asked her what she meant, since I saw no problem with it. She said my current phone didn’t keep a charge very long and the microphone wasn’t great. I learned that she called me less often than she’d like to because she felt like having me repeat myself and having to stop my work to charge the phone while having our talks was a bother to me, so she figured this would fix both of those problems. I swapped the service to the new phone immediately. She was elated, I was happy she was happy, and honestly I have a great phone that lasted two days on a charge for over a year. I also rarely have to repeat myself now, and didn’t realize that I was, in fact, bothered having to repeat myself until I didn’t have to.
Win-win, but you’ll never know if you shut it down.
Good take.
Wanting to return it seems hurtful to me. You could probably just use it later, could you not?
This reminds me of a family member doing this once and not getting why it hurt my other relative. They eventually apologized because they realized rejecting a nice gesture is a dick move. Don’t be a dick.
