Also, for the sake of maximising engagement - what mistakes did adults in-general make when interacting with you as a kid, that you avoid replicating today?
Hitting your kids: don’t fucking do that. You might not ever see them when they reach adulthood.
Might not see them in childhood either if they get taken away from you.
It is exceptionally hard for children to be removed for child abuse.
Especially if the mother is the one doing it. It must leave visible marks and be documents by a doctor or a policeman . It needs to show a pattern and be obvious the amount of force was excessive. This needs to happen several times to show a pattern. Must be documented.
That only begins the cps process.
You(only moms?) 100% absolutely can hit your kids so long as you don’t hospitalize them. It fucking sucks to watch from the side .
This seems very specific to the USA.
Yes. What is legal and acceptable will be different anywhere.
Forget the selfish reason. Just don’t hit people because you can’t control your emotions.
If you won’t hit your boss don’t hit your kid.
some people need hit tbf
Don’t be religious.
One of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. My Mom is still pissed, but at least she’s stopped giving my kids religious themed gifts and asking when we’re going to baptize them.
it’s extra funny when they come to you in your 30’s wanting you to get baptized again, because the first one they forced on you as a kid didn’t take or something?
fucking weirdos man, a cult built around fear of death and a refusal to actually read their book themselves…how the fuck has it lasted so long
my parents put me into a christian daycare when i was like 4. i still remember looking out the window hoping to get the fuck out of there. it was only a few weeks because all that religion bullshit gave me nightmares and i would be in constant panic that the sky will fall and satan will get me. the scars are there stll almost 30 years later
None cuz I’m childfree
But they did make a lot of mistakes. The biggest was putting religion as #1 priority and kicking me out when i was 17 because they suspected i was living in sin.
None cuz I’m childfree
I figured a lot of people would be and that’s why i tried to phrase an alternative question in the body of the post :).
The biggest was putting religion as #1 priority
I guess that’s actually the biggest problem people have with religious parents, isn’t it? Like unless you’re an actual monk or priest, you shouldn’t prioritise religion - you should prioritise your family!
I’m sorry that happened to you
Even if you’re a monk or a priest, you should prioritise your family.
I was thinking that in the catholic sense they don’t have kids. Almost like they knew what they were doing with that no sex rule
Not teaching me a lot of basic shit, like how to shave, how credit/debit works, exploring food like sushi, teaching me about other countries.
I was taught a lot, especially common sense. I can troubleshoot and diagnose like a madman, even things I know very little about. But my dad wasn’t a talker, so didn’t get much there.
I talk to my kid about everything, we lookup what we don’t know or want to know more about. I go over mistakes I made in life giving him examples of how to not make the same mistakes and save himself the time and trouble.
We call everything “experience”, even bad things, and we learn from them, not unlike skill points and experience points in video games. You can learn from anything, not just good things.
Not teaching me a lot of basic shit, like how to shave, how credit/debit works, exploring food like sushi, teaching me about other countries.
omg… this is so me. I try to justify it by telling myself they might be on the spectrum
Sounds like you’re doing a great job though
I really wish that my parents had mentioned much earlier in my life that mental illness runs in the family and what the signs were so that I could have started getting treatment right away, rather than wasting years of my life confusing feelings of depression for proof that I was a terrible person. (Just to be clear, there was no malice involved; my mom just felt really self-consious about it, so she did not want to bring it up.)
I don’t know why parents never brought it up, but same. Rarely talked about the uncle that died early after a life of drug and alcohol abuse. I didn’t find out that my dad’s sperm donor committed suicide until I was in my 30s. Geeze, the depression and self harm and substance abuse makes more sense huh.
Not yelling at them for every little thing. I also want to try and allow them to explore all types of interests and activities.
I try to take my niece and nephew out to different food places personally. Dumplings, ramen, hot pot, get them horchata, jollof rice, just as much variety as I can food-wise, which thankfully is a fair amount in my neck of the woods.
My parents raised my brother. My sister, and I grew up in his shadow.
Having children.
That’s a mistake I’m not going to repeat.
For interacting with kids, I always try to act like I’m interested in the things they’re talking about. It doesn’t matter if it’s their tiny life goals, or that cool rock they saw yesterday that wasn’t as cool as the rock they saw last month at the museum.
Nobody was ever interested in anything I have to say, and even after being with my wife for 6 years, she’s still trying to get me to talk more. Even I want to share something, my brain still says “they’re not interested, don’t bother” and I just keep it to myself. That’s probably why I like to comment on platforms like this so much, I can speak my piece and then move on and if anyone is interested in replying, I get a (usually) nice interaction with someone for a few minutes.
My wife’s dead sister used to scream at her children when they spoke because she “doesn’t want to hear [their] bullshit” and whenever her youngest would start giggling at something she was talking about she would scream at her to shut up because she’s annoying. The oldest was old enough to remember all of this perfectly, the youngest just has night terrors she can never remember.
My wife’s living sister just ignores her 8 children when they’re talking. Almost never even looks away from her phone or laptop when they talk and goes “yeah, uh-huh, mhmm, yep” and so on to make it seem like she’s listening. The oldest has caught on and has started saying off the wall stuff like “my head came off at school and the teacher kicked it into the trash” and things like that to see if her mother even notices. Usually she doesn’t.
It’s not enough to just be technically listening. You have to show interest. It’s not always easy, and when you have a lot on your plate it’s even harder, but you can sit and listen to babbling for a few minutes, it won’t hurt you, and you might make that kid’s day.
The oldest has caught on and has started saying off the wall stuff like “my head came off at school and the teacher kicked it into the trash” and things like that to see if her mother even notices. Usually she doesn’t.
LMAO.
For what it’s worth, judging just from your stance about listening to kids: if you ever decided to have kids, I’m quite sure you’d make a better parent than most people who have kids nowadays.
So my old man was and still is extremely smart. Every night, he’d take time to teach me math and English. Thing is, I am not so smart and so have a lot of trouble following his teaching. That would make him frustrated because he couldn’t figure out a way to explain the concept to me and he’d get mad.
I’m grateful now for the education he gave me, but as a little kid all I could think of was that my dad was going to be mad again because I couldn’t learn well enough.
It impacted me through all my schooling. Yes I was a straight A student, but I hated studying. It was only after I started studying things I was passionate for that I got over it.
Again, I don’t hold a grudge against my old man. He did the best he could and I love him for it. But I will try to find more patience with my daughter when I teach her.
Some just arent meant to be teachers.
I know I am not really one
Don’t have so many kids you barely know their names, let alone needs and interests.
Don’t parentify the girls, making them into mini-mothers that care for the others.
Don’t instruct the boys that keeping a clean home, cooking, and hygiene is women’s work and beneath them.
Don’t use physical negative reinforcement (no hitting, no limiting calories).
Don’t teach that reaching out for help is a moral failing.
Don’t indoctrinate them into a religion.
Don’t instill pride and moral superiority in being “better” and “different” than other families.
Do sit and introspect on how you’re treating your kids. Challenge your preconceptions. My parents could read the above and insist they never did any of them, that they were great parents.
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That’s not what negative reinforcement is.
Deciding to keep me at 15 & 19.
I love my life, am absolutely happy to be alive, don’t get it twisted. But 2 teenagers not having an abortion is the original sin of their poor parenting choices
A small thing, but my parents were very authoritarian. Rules were honestly fair, but any discussion was immediately closed by “because I said so”. In particular as a teenager, I was aware enough to both realize that the rules were overall fair, so I didn’t want to go on an all out war, but also wanted to discuss about finer points. But there was no space for a civil discussion because my parents “said so”.
Do you have kids? “Because I said so” doesn’t usually come out of nowhere. It’s a response of frustration, usually because that conversation has been had multiple times already.
Disagree. My mom did this a lot… Her reasoning was because she was my mom. There wasn’t any discussions about her decisions or why which isn’t healthy.
“No buts! Because I said so”
I explain things to my kids so they know WHY we are doing them. If they have an idea as to why we should be doing it differently, like give me 10 more minutes first, or I like it this way, then I listen, consider a compromise, if at all possible.
For example, if it’s time for bed, but they’re in the middle of a fortnite match, then I let them finish it. If it’s time for school, and they just started a match, sorry, turn it off, you knew we had to leave soon.
There’s a time and a place for that, but sometimes you just want them to not run across the road right now.
That’s why you grab them and explain so they don’t do that anymore.
Reproducing in the first place. I’m not making that mistake.
Asking his 12 year old, over the protests of his wife, whether said 12 year old prefers girls with big boobs or small boobs. And pressing the issue for ten minutes after the 12 year old told him that that was an offensive and disgusting question to hear from this particular pervert and demonstrated child groomer.
