I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.

Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.

This cycle tends to repeat:

I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.

Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.

Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.

So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?

Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.

ai disclaimer

I’m going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.

Here’s the source chat but if you want to cite my words I’d prefer you just cite my post instead.

Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt’s output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.

  • slakje@piefed.socialEnglish
    13·
    18 hours ago

    First, it’s not only you: making plans that accommodate everyone’s schedules and budgets can be tricky, especially if a lot of people are involved, so you might not be doing anything wrong. You can try letting them know what you want to do earlier in advance so that they know not to make plans for the day. People are more likely to respond to concrete dates, times, and locations instead of vague ones.

    Also not all of your friends are going to share your hobbies and interests and that’s ok. Try inviting just the ones you know for sure enjoy the things you do, or joining clubs or activity groups for those things to potentially meet new people to do them with. The time with your other friends can be spent on things you know they want to participate in and can afford.

    Appreciate the honesty about the AI disclaimer.