as said previously I’m a nurse, which means the overwhelming majority of employees are women. Gossiping, being unauthentic, cattiness and passive aggressiveness is a daily occurrence.
My current unit: there are 2 men that seem to be completely stoic (I don’t know what word would describe them better): they ignore drama and jabs, even if directed at them, they are punctual with their pauses, I mean really, 30 minutes and that’s it, and can ignore when other coworkers lazy around, even if it means they have to be the ones doing most of the work, extra work they don’t receive any extra money or recognition for.
I am writing in awe, because as much as I’d like to be this thick skinned, I am not. The feeling of being treated unfairly rubs me the wrong way really fast. My strategy so far has been to lazy around so much as my direct coworkers, even if they’re part of an established group at the ward I don’t belong to. They’re the ones supposed to be showing me around and teach me. If they don’t work, why should I?
I believe this is a trait of mine, something nearly impossible to change, it would make more sense to change the setting than trying to change me, to change jobs. I don’t know how to play this game where I am, in a workplace where most employees are women.
But my question remains to all of you who are this thick skinned: how? I don’t understand it. Don’t you find it tiring? Doesn’t it make you feel like shit when you go back home? Don’t you feel taken advantage of?
There’s two parts:
Highly valuing my professionalism and dignity is the first part. I don’t need to chase money or approval because I can always make more money, get another job, make new friends. What I can’t afford to lose is my respect for myself, my professional reputation, and the self-discipline that makes me effective at what I do.
The second part is what I’ve long called “charitable apathy”. I genuinely don’t care what others think and just try to treat them with kindness and understanding. You know, like children. Teach them if they want to learn, give them a snack if they’re grumpy, applaud their terrible art as long as it doesn’t make too much of a mess. Anyone who complains that this is condescending is exactly the kind of person most in need of your apathy and least in need of your charity.
Since this is the third or fourth post of yours in this vein, I will remind you of previous advice: Part of your job is to get along with your coworkers. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy it; nobody enjoys every part of their job. Just say “hello” and “goodbye” and “I’m getting coffee, do you want one?” and occasionally compliment their shoes or hair or whatever; it goes a long way.
I think your notion of charitable apathy probably only comes across as condescending if in your explanation you make it sound like you’ve never been (or would never be) in a position to receive that treatment from others.
I feel like a few words tossed in to clarify that would probably help people avoid a gut reaction about your ideas.
People might also be getting hung up on the idea of treating someone like a child. I had my kids a little later in life, and I treat my toddlers like adults. What do I do when an adult is crying? I sit with them and comfort them. What do I do if I see an adult about to step in dog shit? Yell to them to tell them a warning to watch their feet. What do I do if an adult tells me they’re hungry? I help them get food. What do I do if adult tells me they want to play with hot wheels with me? I say yes.
Maybe I fundamentally don’t understand how others conceptualize treating a child. I think that term is super loaded. Like the word “savory”. You can ask 10 people what the phrase/word means and you’ll get 10 confident and incompatible answers.
I like the cut of your jib.