We are ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists!

Any time I use the wrong definite article my German wife will loudly bark “NEIN!” It’s hot but educational.

Can anyone please explain this one?

Recipe: Add 1/4 cup of cheese.
Me: Adding 1 cup of cheese got it.

Let me off this blasted interstate you Maryland devils!

Nice. Now I can have two grapes!

Control Z. I said CONTROL Z! What’s wrong with this paper!?

Honey addiction is real and tearing our communities apart.

You’re 15! When are you gonna move out and get a job already!?

A cheap method to unblock anything:

• Remove any loose material.
• Now pour 30 gallons of jet fuel in the area.
• Ignite it but stand back at least a few feet.

Even when I would do a lot of lessons early it would pester me later on in the day to practice more.

I thought canaries got carried into the mine as a punishment for the great canary uprising of 1742.

Shell shocked mosquito: There is a land lads, bristling with barbed wire so thick ye see not sun nor moon. Where ye go in to feed but may never return.

I say we divide the day into 100 sections. No reason really I just think it’d be cool to party until 100 o’clock.

Hey everyone, I’m wanted in 5 states for acorn smuggling.

This is why I’m so patient and calm when dealing with spoons.

Imagine him missing and shooting the inventor in the nards.

In paint be sure to make a bunch of random lines and then use the fill bucket to fill in random colors in the spaces.

Guten Tag my homies!

Me: Hey bank AI, how much money is in my account?
Bank AI: (long pause) It looks like there are five banks in your area.