Ok, so ever since I started cross country my sophomore year of high school, my mom has made me feel like I won’t get anywhere in running. At first, it was kind of my fault because I went in with a lot of confidence, saying things like, “I’m going to make it to nationals!” I think at the time I was just really excited to be in a sport that I like. But my mom replied with, “Don’t say that to other girls on your team they’ve been doing this for way longer than you have.” After a few practices and races, I felt like I was doing really well and I said to my mom, “ I’m excited about the races this season I might even make it to state someday.” I didn’t mean this season exactly but maybe sometime in the future. But my mom was all negative and compared me to another girl on my team, saying, “You’re not going to state only girls like her make it to state.” She continued to compare me to this girl until I finished high school. My junior year I ended up getting injured, and as a result, ran slower. I still did a pretty good job with my training and racing though. I ran in the county meet that season and my coach was happy with me even though it wasn’t my best race. Later on, I told my mom, “I might make it to varsity this season.” I wasn’t the fastest, but thought I had a chance since I trained well and never quit.” My mom thought the opposite, as she compared me to another girl, saying, “If she can’t make varsity running 22 minutes, you’re not gonna make varsity running 29 minutes.” This was true, but it really upset me. I just wanted to have some hope, and it’s like everything she said was going against me. She always nagged me about what I could do to be a better runner, even though she was never a runner herself. Her worst comments were during my senior year. She treated me OK during cross country, and I ended up making varsity that year. However, when track season came, she went on about how slow I was. At first, I was doing really well and going fast. Around the same time we were planning to go on spring break. I was doing really well with my training, and my race times were improving, So I decided to mention state to my mom, since it was at the same time as we were planning to travel. I could not have been more stupid. She replied with, “ Well, to go to state, you have to beat X. You need to be fast, and actually outrun girls.” Somehow, she got my dad into agreeing with her, and he asked me if I have been keeping up with my teammates in practice. I was so frustrated. My mom even went to the level of texting my coach to ask her about my speed and chances for state. I don’t know why, but it made me so mad. However, During outdoor season, She never talked negative to me, And I ended up doing really well. I ran the 2 mile twice that season, and placed first and second. When I showed my mom, the medal, she cried. The race after that, My teammates were being , And I told him to be positive because we all had a chance of going to state. They told me they were being realistic, and they weren’t gonna make it. As a result, I didn’t run as well as I wanted to, and didn’t qualify for state. I was completely heartbroken and wished I could’ve done better. But thankfully, I Have a chance to do it in college. She didn’t believe I would make it to college running because I had to “be good” in order to run. But now I run for D3 school And I’m one of the faster girls on my team. I feel supported and loved there. My mom supports me much more now, and my dad is the one that fixates on my speed. When I was the first of my team across the finish line at one race last season, He asked if he could tell my high school coach about it, And that he remembers my first 5K that it wasn’t great, and come along way. Personally, this comment upset me. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but rather look forward to the future, being reasonable so I don’t get my hopes up. I’ve done really well since going to college, and have a lot more confidence. Has anyone else had their parents do this?
There’s two (or more) sides to every story and the truth is often in the middle. I’m only reading your view on a situation here and I’m wary that I don’t have the full picture while writing this comment.
Your parents remind me of the meme “you’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole”.
There’s ways to frame feedback - if you’re not achieving a standard set by a teammate who already isn’t qualifying for upper levels of competition, then it’s not a reason to knock the dream on the head, but a part of a training roadmap. If you’re banging in 29min 5ks or 5000m events (I’m making the assumption that’s the distance in mind here), then the plan would be to adjust training and diet to tag each of the minute barriers until you can clear 22min and top your team’s timesheets.
After that, you can look at what generally gets you a qualifying time for state or national competitions, and train for that. Once you’ve achieved that then you’re probably beyond what your parents or coach can help with and you’ll probably need elite or semi-pro level of coaching after that.
Negativity from your parents isn’t helpful though, and no not everyone does it. I don’t know whether it comes from a place of personal failure in your mother’s youth or whether she’s scared that you’re running into the unknown, but it isn’t helpful.
As for your dad though, I thought that it was kinda cool that he wanted to let your HS coach about how you’re getting on now. Everyone’s first crack at a distance event is awful, that’s how you develop - so it’s cool to be able to say to your old coach “hey that first 5k wasn’t spectacular, but check these times out now!”.
Either way, you’re running for yourself. If you train well, your times will come down, and you will start turning heads - whether your parents are supportive or not. One of the most important lessons I learned (and I’m nowhere near club level running let alone elite level) is to run your own race. It’s good for the mind, good for the soul, and helps you sleep at night.
Good luck, well done on what you’ve achieved so far, and hopefully the stopwatch will start giving you much better feedback than your parents.
Thank you! And to answer your question, it was kind of hard for me to see my mom’s view as well. She has ADD so sometimes she can make random assumptions about things. But she’s much more supportive of me now that I run in college!