• ameancow@lemmy.world
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    3 days ago

    I had one of my early panic attacks when I was in the shower and I ran out of shampoo and it was the last straw in a pile I had no real idea was building heavier and heavier. I had enough to finish washing, but I knew I had to go out to get more… I had already had my car repossessed, so I would have to walk, meaning I had to clear time for it, and find the money to buy it, and make the most of the 3-mile walk and try to figure out what else we needed and what I could actually carry.

    Just sobbing/hyperventilating on the shower floor for an hour because we were out of shampoo.

    Because my wife was sick. Because our insurance was denied. And because she was sick, she couldn’t help me maintain our business, so we were behind on our bills, and we had no gas so my shower was cold, and our house was being threatened with foreclosure. And my parents had recently died. And my brother. And our cat. And we were days from having the water shut off. And I had clients threatening to sue me if I didn’t finish their work.

    It’s a moment where it all rushes in at once, the kind of thing a lot of men in particular try to push aside and bottle up and maintain stoicism even in the face of abject hopelessness. But there’s always a limit and this limit can be at almost any level for any person. (Things continued to get worse, but I started over in life, my wife is doing better.)