First of all, I’m impressed you’re reaching out for other perspectives. It’s far too easy to get stuck with your thoughts beating down on yourself.

Something therapists often train you to ask is “are there external reasons for those thoughts?”, as thoughts come and go much of their own volition, that’s just how brains do. Sometimes there’s good reason for thoughts, a lot of the time it’s just “what-ifs”.

It sounds to me that there are multiple layers to your story. Saying you feel like you don’t deserve someone as well as the ruminating self doubt sounds over such a long time sounds like Major Depression. It’s a nasty thing that makes a lot of other things harder, medication and therapy usually make things easier so that you have the resources to affect whatever else you’d like to affect.

If medical attention isn’t available where you’re at, you’re still gonna have to adress those issues, it’s just going to be harder. You will need a way to get out of ruts, set strengthening habits, build and use a support network, and learn to manage the depression. Again, all to free up resources to address the rest.

A lot happens within us when we lose a partner, and even more when we survive one. Maybe some of the self doubt comes from that, maybe from how you were coping, maybe from feeling down for an extended time, maybe something else. Therapists are trained in talking through these things, but journalling and talking to friends can also help. One tool is to aim to understand your feelings and with compassion accept that you felt and did as best you could, you can easily find others.

As for the sexuality thing - depression does weird things both to self image, libido, and sexuality. I had a bit similar experience to your’s where I found no attraction or lust, but as I got better a lot came back (and some things changed).

On the off chance that it’s actually not just depression messing, I’ll mention that sexuality is a complex thing and it’s common to have thoughts and feelings about it, just as it changes and develops with time, people, situations, etc.

It’s entirely possible to be attracted and sexrepulsed, sometimes it’s helpful to split attraction for different aspects. You could be aesthetically attracted to someone who appeals on looks, or you could be romantically attracted to someone you’d like to court (or be courted by), beyond sexually attracted by someone you want to share bodyparts with you, some people will tick multiple attractions (including ones not mentioned here). With some forethought and clear communication, it’s entirely possible to build long term relationships around all combinations of these, and crucially without one or more of these.

I would agree that genitals are gross and weird, but then again I like doing stuff to them on people I’d like to share pleasure with. As someone else mentioned, I would never enjoy handling my own genitals the way others seem to enjoy immensely, and vice versa. Beyond basic hygiene (wash with water, let dry, keep clean of litter), that’s just how genitals are.

Then there’s also contrasts between being repulsed by the thought, not understanding, and not wanting to stimulate such genitals. All are valid, and with a little insight you might live happily with where you’re comfortable. If the thought of someone handling your genitals repulses you, maybe don’t do that and make sure to choose a partner that accepts that. If you don’t want to stimulate someone with similar genitals, you’re encouraged not to, it’s common enough to be called “straight”. If you don’t understand but you’re fine with someone enjoying your genitals, choose someone you enjoy enjoying you.

In the spirit of pride month you might have access to resources for the terms ace/asexual, aro/aromantic, gray/graysexual, RA/relationship anarchy, heterosexuality, situational sexuality, reproductive health.