Context: We’re in a bit of a heat wave and my daughter loves to cool down by splashing in water. Today was no different.
Once she was done, I say to her “Let’s get you out of that wet dress. I imagine it must be uncomfortable. I’ve never actually worn a wet dress before”.
Before I can follow that up with “I’ve worn wet clothes before, and that’s not the nicest”, my wife jumps in and claims that me saying I’ve never worn a wet dress is sexist.
Is it?
Yeah, this exactly. She has context in mind that she didn’t communicate with you. She may not realize you don’t know her context.
Best thing is to say something like, “I’m sorry for saying the thing you said was sexist. I’ll try to avoid making sexist remarks. But I’m not sure what was sexist about it, and I want to learn why so that I don’t do it again.”
Whether or not you think you owe her an apology, starting like that may help prevent her from getting defensive. That way, you can have a clearer conversation about it.
Whether or not it was actually sexist, she clearly had a reason for believing it was. And, agree or not, the reason is real to her.
In general, I don’t think it’s right to lie down flat whenever someone accuses you of saying something wrong, just because they think it was wrong.
It should be pretty fair to respond with a simple “why is that sexist? I think wet clothes are uncomfortable, so I assumed others did as well.”
It’s not about lying down, it’s about de-escalating.
That can be a touchy subject, so a little bit of humility helps prevent hurt feelings.
You don’t have to admit fault to de-escalate. You can just say “I’m feeling confused and a bit hurt right now. I’d like to revisit this when I am not feeling this way.”
To add to that, I know that if I just came out and said exactly “why is that sexist?” it probably would sound like I’m copping an attitude. So I think/agree that it’d be safer to approach it more delicately.